| | I've been spending the better part of the last few weeks really doing some thinking about myself and my feelings and just changes in my perspectives, thoughts, and attitudes since leaving Science... really trying to understand how I've grown and with what level of understanding of my experiences I have been readily able to apply to anything..
Learning to understand the machinations of my personality and predilections I am heavily prone to, as well as just making attempts to set things right and also mucking up lots of stuff in the process despite my fervent desire to simply remain in a position of... not neutrality, but not wanting to place the straw that breaks the camel's back, one might say.
Furthermore, there's a great deal of ambiguity and nonchalance that exists at the heart of a great deal of situations that are momentously important to me and my relative inexpressiveness as well as premature reactions (inspired by the tumult of emotions and thoughts I can barely wrap my mind around with regards to myself and the values I harbor) have been at least partially responsible for damage to my relationships with people I hold dear.
The saying "actions speak louder than words" plays in my mind a lot. Though it can be said with a large degree of certainty that a person's unbidden actions speak volumes about the truth of their inner thoughts, and also that it becomes possible to gauge a person's true feelings by such actions, it is also very apparent to me that the weight of a person's words (though often wavering to various degrees in the direction of one's intentions as opposed to their relative dispositions) rings with just as much truth as the subtle shift of nervous eyes that clue one in to unspoken thoughts a person may be hiding. It is the emotive weight of the words a person utters, I believe, that are the true source of being able to gauge a person's stance on any number of things. And within the truth of that statement, it is most feasible to say that weighing the substantiality of a person's words in company with their actions is truly the only way to tell where one is coming from. Beyond that, however, lies the realm of confusion and anxiousness, which truly seem to hold very little sway over a person's intentions... they just gum up the works and make things difficult for those who can't see a person (or a situation) well enough to really tell what's happening there.
And so I say that people's eyes should be more honest. For example, I refer to a conversation I had with my best friend recently. I feel that personally, I mask my innermost thoughts well behind the clouds of my other thoughts very well. And for her part, she sublimates the larger portion of her motivations behind a mask of hesitant withdrawal. And though we internalize things similarly (almost identically, really. weird.) and feel the same about a number of issues, it is interesting to note the look in her eyes as she sets her heart on something. She bears the weight of her decisions in life with a quiet stoicism that most people would mistake for confusion, simple stubbornness, or simply stupidity. She may not understand the rationale behind what she does, yet never do her eyes flare brighter than when she holds true to her course! For this, and many other reasons, I love her dearly, though I admit that the rarity of this quality is a shame since almost no one will recognize it for what it is in the grander scope of her personality. Even my description of it is somewhat inadequate, as even for me, behind the clouds of confusion and depressive introspection I find myself shrouded in, I wonder often what others see. Do I hide this quality because I fear what I will lay bare within myself to the observations of others, or is it suppressed by way of quiet necessity? If my eyes could more often be honest to those around me, or myself, my intentions would mayhap be better understood or, daresay, accommodated? Perhaps, perhaps not.
I feel that I fight a constant battle between the duty to my friends and the world around me, the duty to family and responsibility, and duty to myself. Many may know me to be one who cares about the goings-on of others' lives, though very few are aware of how deep this empathy within me truly is. I feel keenly the weight of others' problems upon my own [insert apt metaphorically significant body part here] and leaving high school, I found myself hardened to a great deal of it by necessity, almost. After having my heart ground to paste twice in a fairly short number of months, and seeing a few truly valued friendships fall to pieces before my eyes, I took a reprieve from the world. Though the word reprieve is truly not adequate to express this period of time, as I became truly numb to the emotional 'duty' to my friends and somewhat more attuned to the expectations of family, I found more and more that my recourse in life no matter what I choose seems to be to give and give to others until there is truly nothing left, or bereft of that, to constantly disillusion or disappoint those I care for/about/love merely because I do not move to live to their expectations. After having witnessed the death of my beloved uncle by way of this path, it is one I do not desire to walk, though I also fear losing the people I care about because I refuse to abide by my values and beliefs. Even so, I find myself wondering lately just how much meaning those values and beliefs hold in the world I love in now.
That being said, there are a number of people to whom I wish to address specifically in any number of ways and I will perhaps look into doing so privately here, in a facebook message, or otherwise. Feel free to comment if you actually sat through and read all of this. I also plan to refine these thoughts a bit in the near future.
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| | Posted 3/9/2008 5:15 PM - 111 Views - 6 eProps - 4 comments
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